Stupid Cultural Expectations

One of the interesting parts of being a pastor is dealing with people's expectations. Generally speaking, we all place expectations on each other and we are surprised when someone does not live up to those assumptions. The problem is that these expectations are rarely spoken and therefore live tacit lives under the surface until they are breached. Then all hell breaks loose!

As a pastor, though (and I think this is true for other 'public' people - doctors, police, etc.), these tacit understandings can become rather amusing. I particularly like the expression on patrons faces at a bar when they find out my profession. The response is usually "You're a pastor?" with faces ranging from shock to consternation. You can physically see them trying to put all the pieces together: pastors wear suit and tie, or a collar thingy, he should not have laughed at my dirty joke, I heard him use a curse word like the rest of us, he has put away more beer than me, what kind of church would have a pastor like this? When they are done processing their initial reaction I imagine their inner monologue like this: OK what should I do now? Will he notice if I slowly walk away? Maybe. Should I apologize for telling that joke? Am I going to hell?

Usually one of several of things happens after the discovery of my profession. One reaction is usually a clearing of the circle. Many just do not know how to deal with what is in front of them; a regular guy who likes beer and preaches on Sunday. So they slide away. This happened to my wife and me at my ten year high school reunion. We would sit down at a table of people and begin cordial conversations. I think we cleared four tables that night. We spent a lot of time laughing at the reactions, but it still hurt. Another reaction is patronizing. There seems to be a need when one meets a pastor to either admit that, hey I went to church once or hey I guess we have nothing in common. Or worse, there ensues a discussion about religion that can only be described as "Googly Informed." (Copyrighted Phrase, July 6, 2012, 12:32pm). All of these are patronizing because there is an assumption that I am inconsequential, have no interests outside of theology, or that somehow all that can be known about my faith can be discovered by a search on the internet (or read in the next popular "faith" book).

The weird expectations are not limited to the general public. Tacit expectations are harder to deal with in the congregation. And they are numerous. Let me make a list of ten for the Ten Commandments (and none of this should be new to anyone):

1. The pastor has a better prayer connection to God than me.
2. Every meal that the pastor is at needs to be prayed for, preferably by him/her.
3. The pastor knows through some super power when I am in the hospital.
4. The pastor is perfect and therefore should not fail me in anyway.
5. The pastor knows more about, well, everything than I do.
6. The pastor believes the very same way I do.
7. The pastor needs to be sent every cute "Christian" anecdote, joke, or picture that has every graced the internet, because I am sure he/she has never seen it.
8. The pastor should always be in the office when I stop by unannounced.
9. The pastor should always be out visiting, especially my friends.
10. The pastor should always be polite and accepting, even when I am being unreasonable, mean or gossipy.

The list could go on. But I think you get the idea. Trying to live up to these sorts of expectations has led many a pastor to burn out, cross boundaries, or act out inappropriately in some way just to be released from this life. I am sure of it. (I blame the pastors in this instance for not taking care of themselves.)

How do I deal with this? Well, quite frankly by being myself. So here is my list of three, for the Holy Trinity, on how to be a successful pastor in the face of unreasonable expectations:

1.  I do not like people and I make sure everyone knows this. To like people is not a prerequisite to the ministry. In fact, I think understanding the human condition and how rudimentary flawed we are should be a prerequisite. We all should know by now that everyone will let you down at some point. Why be surprised when they do? If we are not surprised the better we are able to live with them and be the graceful presence we are called to be. But, I do not have to like you to do this.
2. I make sure that everyone knows that I am fundamentally lazy. No, just because you have come up with a great idea does not mean that I am going to do it for you. In fact, if it is such a good idea there should be five to ten people around you who would love to help you! Too many pastors have ruined congregations by doing the congregations mission and ministry for them. My call letter is pretty specific and is plenty to deal with.
3. I have outside interests that have nothing to do with you or the congregation. No, I am not going to invite you along. Remember, I do not like people. I go fishing to get away from people. I go hunting so that I can spend some quality time with other idiots like myself. I go on trips with my family so that they might remember who I am and no I am not going to cut my vacation short for your second cousin's wedding (Unless it is in Greece and you will provide my wife and I with airline tickets, hotel and meal passes).

Being a pastor is indeed a joy. It is a joy for me because I believe I understand why God called me to this ministry and why congregations have extended the call to serve them. I have been “successful” because I get out of the way of God’s and the congregation's mission and ministry. Instead, I get to study deeply God's word. I get to teach scripture. I get to be with people in their life journey from birth to death. I get to help others in their spiritual journey. I get to preach and preside during worship. I get to stand alongside those who are suffering injustice. It is a good work I do. Just don't put those stupid cultural expectations on me.